Liberating yourself from the cycle of people-pleasing and reclaiming your power through self-love.

Unpacking the fear of judgment and embracing vulnerability as a pathway to authenticity.

May 13, 2024

In our society, there is immense social pressure to maintain friendships, relationships, and financial stability. Deviating from these norms can lead to feeling out of place and "weird." Consequently, many individuals conceal their true selves to conform to societal expectations, sacrificing their individuality to avoid loneliness and seek acceptance.

I have come to the realization that I have been masking my authentic self for a significant period. Prioritizing others' needs over my own, driven by a fear of solitude and a desire for approval.

Focusing on others rather than on self-discovery hinders personal growth and understanding. It is often more comfortable to immerse oneself in others' affairs than to confront personal challenges. Embracing self-love and not conforming merely for social acceptance is crucial. Society has ingrained in us from a young age certain behaviors, forcing us to conform; any deviation is met with disapproval from family, school, or our surroundings.

The apprehension of judgment from others can prevent us from embracing our true selves. We confine ourselves to mental barriers by consistently prioritizing others over our own needs.

For instance:

To succeed in business, breaking free from conventional norms is essential. Building a unique system that distinguishes your brand, fosters a community, and enables monetization is imperative. Successful coaches do not strive to be original; instead, they refine their personalities to establish a brand and implement a strategy that elevates them. Conversely, those who struggle in business often resort to replicating existing strategies without infusing their individuality.

Why do we tend to hide, those who prevent us from asserting ourselves?

The "Good Girl" Syndrome

Growing up as a "good girl" can make asserting yourself a real challenge. There's a sense that deviating from what our parents or society expects makes us appear negative. This societal pressure holds us back from being authentic, particularly when striving to establish an online presence. The need to appear flawless or mimic the behaviors of successful figures can be overwhelming. The conditioning from childhood lingers, shaping our actions. When scrolling through social media, certain types of content like "get ready with me," morning routines, and following trends dominate. I used to hold back on creating content that truly reflected me to conform to a certain image or avoid offending others. This resulted in not being recognized as an authority by my audience, attracting a community more interested in friendship, and a fear of compromising my values.

I aim to cultivate a community of self-leaders who value self-investment to build their 6-figure businesses. While strategy is often emphasized, the significance of mindset is overlooked. Discovering your voice involves more than just targeting your ideal client or devising the perfect strategy; it's about granting yourself the freedom to express, experiment, and develop your unique style.

Fear of Being Judged

I have a passion for creating and have always aspired to write like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City. However, for the longest time, I kept my writings hidden like a secret garden. As a coach, I knew I had to share them, but I soon realized that my audience was different from what I had imagined. Many experts advocate creating a business for others, but in reality, you are creating it for yourself. You are the one dedicating hours to crafting your content, shaping a vision, and selecting who you collaborate with. Clients can either support or hinder your business.

Many individuals refrain from expressing their true selves due to fear of attracting critics or changing how they are perceived by those around them. The fear of facing direct judgment often holds people back. Consequently, a lot of content ends up looking similar because it's challenging to stand out when you are alone in your endeavors.

The gaze of loved ones

When we decide to change, we change the way we behave. The people around us aren't used to seeing us evolve. Human beings don't like change, and when you want to be your own truth (change your identity), many people don't dare take the plunge for fear of the gaze of those around them. But sometimes the friendships you make are based on what you bring to others, especially if you tend to hide your personality.

There are many people who stop themselves from doing things (like starting a business, doing a sporting or creative activity, or even moving house). They live every day with what-ifs... but watching YouTube videos, listening to podcasts, and imagining how theirs could be will never change.

Fear of failure

Assuming responsibility means assuming responsibility for your choices. Most people don't take responsibility for their choices, they need to blame when they fail. It's much easier to blame others for our choices, or the algorithm, or circumstances, than to take responsibility for our failures, to get out of victimization, and take failure as a lesson. As long as we stay in this circle of not taking responsibility.

People Pleasing

Engaging in people-pleasing behavior involves consciously or unconsciously manipulating situations to prevent loneliness. The tendency to prioritize others' needs to avoid isolation is common. This behavior can stem from a fear of being alone and falling into Karpman triangle roles of savior, persecutor, or victim. Have you ever felt trapped in a cycle where others fail to inquire about your well-being? Despite the discomfort, the fear of losing the savior status often keeps us from breaking free. To transform our personal or professional lives, overcoming insecurities and moving towards the desired identity is crucial.

How can we overcome the fear of concealing parts of ourselves?

The reason we hide is due to feeling unsafe within ourselves, leading us to seek validation externally (from our circle, likes, etc.). To break free from hiding, we must eliminate the sense of threat by establishing safety within ourselves. This involves adopting a self-parenting mentality. People often believe security hinges on wealth or location. However, it's truly about knowing you can follow through on your commitments and create a nurturing environment emotionally, physically, and financially, akin to what a parent provides for their child.

Learning to affirm your self-worth, recognizing your value, and granting yourself the opportunity for others to know you are crucial steps. Embracing solitude, appreciating your company, and affirming your beliefs are the initial stages in reconnecting with your inner child. Acknowledge that your thoughts hold significance.

Our thoughts are generated by the reticular activating system (RAS). It is located in our brain in the brain stem, which is situated in the spinal cord. This system is made up of neurons. Every day, we're invaded by thousands of thoughts. Our brain doesn't have time to process them consciously. This is where the SAR comes into play, acting as a funnel to keep only the thoughts that are used for you and that will be processed consciously. These are the thoughts that are in line with your personal beliefs. Your negative thoughts create blocks and beliefs. You can intentionally change the way you see yourself. Instead of hiding, it's reprogramming your brain with sentences where you feel a sense of danger. You understand that you are the prize.

How do you reprogram your brain?

Phase I: Transforming Negative Thoughts by Reframing

Start by analyzing your thoughts and identifying any negative ones.
Reframe them positively, like turning "I'm never going to succeed in developing my business" into "I'm creating an empire every step of the way."
For instance, instead of "I only have one like," see it as "One person had the chance to read my publication, another step towards my empire."
When feeling stuck, shift your mindset to refocus on personal growth and well-being to rediscover your life mission.
Remember, you have the power to change the narratives you tell yourself, often influenced by others projecting fears or expectations onto you.
Ultimately, it's vital to realize that your circumstances or surroundings don't define you. You hold the privilege of choosing how you present your true self to the world.

Phase II: Self-Questioning

Self-reflection is a valuable method to explore the root cause and seek solutions. Even if the answers aren't readily apparent, your mind will actively search for them. While we often crave quick solutions, recognizing the significance of relying on others as a support system entails embracing self-love and solitude.

If you're seeking question prompts, feel free to access my journal for inspiration.

Phase III: Action

The goal is to develop habits that empower you to embody a sense of security and confidence. Waiting for motivation is not the key. Many individuals aspire to change, engage in positive affirmations, create elaborate visualization boards, but then halt. Action is essential. This could entail starting a new sport, publishing that long-awaited blog post, launching a new offer, or investing in self-improvement.

It's essential to acknowledge that concealing a part of yourself acts as a shield when you feel insecure. Revealing more of your authentic self, rather than wearing a facade, allows you to assert your identity, display your character, and attract individuals who appreciate you. The objective is to dedicate yourself to actions that align with your aspirations, even if it means moving forward despite fear.

Conclusion

You should prioritize your own desires over others'. It's important to pursue your dreams instead of letting fear of people's opinions hold you back.

What's one small step you can take today to embrace your authentic self and break free from societal expectations?