Parentification trauma and money
Parentification trauma and money
How your relationship with your parent affect your relationship with money ?
Welcome to the "Mindset" series that will help you improve your relationship with money so you can go further in your business. If you haven't read the first part yet, don't hesitate to check it out!
As a child, we would like to have parents like in the movies who make us feel secure and meet all our needs, but if the roles are reversed, what happens? You had to be the parent of your brothers and sisters. You were supposed to wait for your brothers and sisters, go home, wash the dishes, reheat the dishes, and then go to school. The older you got, the more you were responsible for your brothers and sisters and raised them, whether it was the weekend, evening, or afternoon.
You became a kind of second mom, even though you didn't give them birth. Every time you go out, you have to go out with one of your children, sorry, brothers and sisters. You took on a role you didn't want, now that everyone is grown up, your parents feel that you have a duty to do everything that is good for them, because they were your parents, and so in fact, they feel that you must give back to them what you, what you gave them, that is to say that when they were your children, they were supposed to help you, so now when they are old, it's up to you again to help them. Intuitively as an adult, you have the role of parent to your parents. This plays a role in your relationship with money.
What is Parentification?
Parentification occurs when children take on the emotional, responsibilities, and sometimes financial burdens of their emotionally immature parents (This doesn't refer to cases of illness). It's a role reversal that can have significant consequences in both personal and professional life as an adult.
This is often when the child doesn't get recognition in terms of love. They are supposed to act in a certain way just to get a gesture of affection. The child quickly learns that they must be nice by taking on responsibilities that the parent refuses in order to survive. It's often the older sisters who become the parents of their brothers and sisters as well as their parents even though they don't have children yet, or if the child is from a single-parent family, they take the place of the spouse.
Types of Parentification
1. Instrumental Parentification
This involves taking on physical responsibilities beyond one's years. For example:
I remember as a teenager, I took care of my siblings - picking them up, feeding them. I couldn't go out without one of them. I didn't experience adolescence. I had to manage meals, and homework, all while setting an example. I struggle to think about myself without feeling selfish.
2. Emotional Parentification
This involves becoming a family therapist. The child learns to suppress their own emotions and absorb their parents' feelings. They become the confidant, the one asked for help with problems. The child learns to suppress their emotions, fears, or doubts to be the emotional support for their parents.
You can be both. While these early roles build resilience, they can also leave lasting imprints on your emotional well-being and the way you relate to money as an adult.
Consequences of Parentification
Parentification can lead to various issues in adulthood, including:
Poor relationship with money
Hyper-independence
Savior syndrome
Low self-esteem
Feeling of never being enough (over-giving)
Fear of going against family wishes
Fear of lack
Not knowing how to be anything other than a caretaker
Pleasing everyone except oneself
Being the therapist or punching bag for parents
How Parentification Shapes Money Mindset?
Parentification often shapes a person's money mindset, which refers to their beliefs, attitudes, and emotional responses towards money. As an adult, if you were parentified as a child, you may find that money has specific emotional associations that differ from those of others who grew up without such early responsibilities.
Here's how it can affect you:
Hyper-Responsibility Towards Money Parentified individuals tend to grow up with a sense of heightened responsibility toward finances. If you were managing household bills or budgeting early in life, you may develop a belief that money is always scarce and that you must be hyper-vigilant about spending. While this can lead to financial stability, it may also cause stress and an inability to enjoy your wealth without guilt or fear.
Example: Laura grew up in a household where her parents struggled financially, and by the age of 12, she was helping to balance the checkbook and budget the household expenses. As an adult, Laura continues to feel an intense responsibility to manage money perfectly. She saves every receipt, tracks every purchase, and is always worried about having enough. Even though she now earns a good salary, she can’t bring herself to spend money on things like vacations or personal treats, feeling guilty at the thought of “wasting” any amount. She lives in a state of anxiety over her finances, even though there’s no actual crisis.
In Laura’s case, her hyper-responsibility was developed because she felt burdened with keeping the family afloat as a child. Now, she overcompensates by micromanaging every cent, unable to relax or trust in her financial stability.
Money Equals Security Having had to manage adult responsibilities at a young age, you may associate money with stability and safety. The idea of having control over finances can feel like control over your life. This can make you highly focused on saving and risk-averse in terms of investment, which can limit your ability to grow your wealth.
Scarcity Mindset When money becomes associated with emotional burdens, as it often does for parentified children, it may foster a scarcity mindset. You might grow up believing there is "never enough" and that financial comfort is unattainable. This mindset could keep you in a cycle of fear around finances, even when you're earning well as an adult.
Maria grew up in a household where money was always tight, and she often heard her parents talk about "not having enough." As the oldest of four siblings, she felt responsible for helping her parents make ends meet by getting a job in high school. Now, as an adult, Maria has a scarcity mindset. Even when she receives a promotion or a bonus, she feels like it’s never enough. She avoids spending money on anything she deems non-essential, often cutting corners in ways that don’t actually improve her financial situation. Despite earning more than her peers, Example: Maria constantly fears running out of money. Maria’s scarcity mindset stems from her childhood belief that resources are limited. She feels a constant need to save and hoard money, even when it’s unnecessary, because she fears a future where she might not have enough.
Overworking as a Form of Validation Many parentified children equate productivity and self-worth with financial gain. As an adult, you may find yourself overworking, feeling that your value is tied to your ability to provide. This can lead to burnout, frustration, and disconnection from a more balanced relationship with money.
Ethan was raised by a single mom who struggled to provide for him and his siblings. He became the "man of the house" by age 15, working after school to contribute to the household. Over the years, Ethan internalized the belief that his worth was tied to his ability to earn money. Now, as a successful entrepreneur, he works 80-hour weeks, constantly striving to make more, even though he has enough to live comfortably. Ethan feels guilty whenever he takes a break or spends time on non-work-related activities, fearing that if he stops working, he will no longer be valuable.
In Ethan’s case, the overworking behavior comes from needing to prove his worth through financial contribution. His drive to work excessively is a way to validate his sense of self, even though it’s burning him out.
Difficulty with Delegation If you've grown up being the one who had to "hold everything together," you might find it hard to trust others with financial or professional responsibilities. Delegation can feel risky, and you may feel the need to control every aspect of your finances, which could limit your growth in business or your capacity to enjoy the rewards of your hard work.
Sophia grew up in a home where she had to take care of her siblings because her parents were often absent. She became the primary caregiver and learned to handle everything herself. Now, as a business owner, Sophia struggles to delegate tasks to her employees, especially when it comes to managing financial aspects like budgeting or accounting. She constantly double-checks their work and ends up doing much of it herself because she doesn’t trust anyone else to handle it as well as she would. This slows down her business growth and adds unnecessary stress to her life.
Sophia’s difficulty with delegation stems from a deep-seated belief that if she doesn’t handle things herself, they won’t get done right. This belief comes from her childhood, where taking on adult responsibilities was the only way to ensure things were taken care of.
Impact on Entrepreneurship
Many entrepreneurial women who have experienced parentification are high achievers and action takers but struggle to find balance between their personal and professional lives. They often:
Feel compelled to do everything alone
Need to prove they deserve every penny
Struggle with guilt about personal success, feeling they owe everything to their parents
Attract complicated clients who are overly demanding and want to be "saved"
Fear of lack
Overworking and oversharing as a form of validation
Difficulty with delegating
We find ourselves with people who have trouble managing their money, investing in themselves and/or becoming providers for their parents. Their parents only call them to get money. So how can we believe that we can develop a business where people will buy our offers or products because they want to work only with us especially since we have developed a toxic relationship with money. I only have value if I bring something. I will work extremely hard to show that I deserve it. I must always earn more to show that I have value. Those who create that our value is associated with what we possess and money. We create conditioned relationships not on who we really are. As you are responsible for emotions and problems; you cannot show signs of fragility, you wear a mask where everything is perfect.
Two Common Outcomes
The Procrastinator: You struggle to complete projects, either because you're constantly solicited by family or fear having money that your family might demand.
The Successful but Stressed: You're successful with clients but struggle to manage finances. You might need to earn more to support your parents' needs. You procrastinate on financial management, are scared to delegate, and struggle to say no. Personal relationships may suffer.
What’s important to understand is that the relationship you have with your parents and with money directly impacts how you run your business. You need to distance yourself from what others expect of you in order to build a business that empowers you to live a life where you are the priority. To achieve this, you must create content and offers that genuinely excite you, and price them in a way that allows you to live comfortably.
You should focus on building a community that loves you for who you are, not just for the services you provide. This will help you break free from the "savior complex" and the need to people-please. It’s time to design an offer, or multiple offers, that you’re passionate about, and that you know your ideal audience truly needs. This is how you reclaim control of the narrative: I’m only here to fix others, and I come second.
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